Best Place to Hang Out with Rock Stars after Getting Bailed Out
Annie's Cocktail Lounge is heavy on character -- particularly the character of its proprietor, who mixed her first drink at age seven under the direction of family friend Moe Howard (of Three Stooges fame). A former manager of Slim's and the Paradise Lounge, Annie Whiteside has maintained friendships with innumerable well-knowns of the music business, from Dave Alvin to the Swingin' Utters. Stop in and you may find yourself having a beer with Michael Stipe, Jello Biafra, or the Jesus and Mary Chain. Also, it's conveniently located across the street from the Hall of Justice and surrounded by at least a dozen bail-bond agencies. It's the perfect place to unwind after getting sprung from the joint. 15 Boardman Place, S.F. (415) 703-0865.
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Best Place to Swing in the Sun
With swing dancing spreading at a pace not seen since the dancing manias swept through plague-era Europe, finding a place to practice your lindy has become a daunting prospect. Most dance floors around town are so crowded that swing dancing takes on some of the physical aspects of roller derby. Elbow blocking, anyone? Partners sent out may never manage to fight their way back. But one place hasn't been mobbed. Every Sunday morning at the Bandshell in Golden Gate Park, an informal group shows up toting a boom box loaded with swing-era favorites. As the sounds of Benny Goodman and Artie Shaw drown out the faint echoes from the hip-hop skaters, casually dressed couples do the lindy hop and East Coast swing with plenty of elbowroom. All skill levels are welcome; picnic lunches are recommended. It's the only place in town where you won't feel out of place swinging in your sweats. Sundays, Golden Gate Park Bandshell. 10 a.m. until batteries run out.
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Best Place to Listen to Reggae and Shoot Pool
Since 1994 Club Dread has been a favorite Monday-night hangout for reggaephiles, DJs, musicians, and urban dreads of diverse backgrounds. Wesley Snipes, Ice-T, and Steel Pulse have all popped into this cozy dance spot after Bay Area gigs. At Club Dread you can shoot pool and have a fireside chat, or if you're hungry, buy some curry chicken, rice and peas, and vegetables from Jamaican vendors on the patio. There are a few dark, quiet corners near the dance floor for a slow "wine" or run-a-dub with your sweetie to the sounds of Dennis Brown, Peter Hunningale, and Sanchez. "Reggae in the Mix," on Monday and Wednesday nights, features top DJs like Jah Love Universal Sounds, Toks, Vibes Supreme, Brixton Hitman, and Queen Dons. Promoter Corbett Harvey Bowers I enforces a zero-tolerance policy on "slackness" (rude or disrespectful behavior). Mondays and Wednesdays, Endup, 401 Sixth St., S.F. Dread Line: (415) 284-6331.
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Best New Public Art
Look, there's one by Grace Cathedral! Look, another by the opera house! And another at Herbst! And another at Yerba Buena! And what's that down in the financial district? All over town the jaunty, crayon-colored, giant Keith Haring sculptures heralding the SFMOMA show are making us giddy. Even the biggest yahoos in town, who can't stand our public art, are keeping their mouths shut. Maybe because they know these pieces of art are here on a temporary basis. Well, perhaps San Francisco public-arts advocates can learn a lesson here: just tell everybody that the work is temporary, and then they'll love it! But really, most of us are pleased to have the Harings dancing around us, and some of us wish they were permanent. If you like what you see in the streets, go down to SFMOMA to check out the rest of the show -- what better way is there to spend an afternoon than wandering among Keith Haring's lunch-box juvenilia? The Keith Haring retrospective runs through Sept. 8. San Francisco Museum of Modern Art, 151 Third St., S.F. (415) 357-4000.
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Best Oasis of Swing
To put it mildly, the Saturday night scene at the DNA Lounge is mixed. Onstage a cover band plays the better songs of the '80s bands with the best haircuts to the delight of the inevitable bachelorette parties. In between sets the DJ spins techno and house for the well-scrubbed crowd of suburban postcollege types. But the real nightlife experience is upstairs at Swinging with Spencer. In a small, beautifully refurbished back room, former DNA night manager Spencer spins the finest big band, jump blues, and swing tunes for an appreciative retro crowd. As the cover band downstairs launches into "Rebel Yell," couples at Spencer's swing to Sinatra and swill some of the best martinis south of Market. And if you're lucky, you'll see a "rumble." Spencer slaps on "Sing, Sing, Sing," the dance floor clears, and the best leads in the house take turns flaunting their finest acrobatic and aerial moves. It's the best floor show in town. Saturdays, DNA Lounge, 375 11th St., S.F. (415) 626-1409.
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Best Neon Bar Sign
Sadly, the days when the streets of San Francisco were lined with brilliant neon signs luring imbibers into such intriguing watering holes as the Key Club ("Crossroads of the World") have long since passed. Most modern drinking establishments are inexplicably content with those fluorescent light-transparent plastic abominations. But the classic neon sign is not extinct. The best relic of this proud era remains at the Philosopher's Inn in West Portal. A gorgeous neon sign has proudly proclaimed this drinking establishment's identity as the 'Philosopher's Club' to the world for more than 50 years. Inside you won't find many philosophers, but neither will you have to endure yahoos ordering screaming bloody orgasms. And no matter what your taste in alcoholic beverages, they always taste better when bathed in a neon glow. Philosopher's Inn, 824 Ulloa, S.F. (415) 753-9554.
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Best Legal Pint-and-a-Smoke
While many other bar owners have responded to the state smoking ban by ignoring it, law-abiding Cameron's Restaurant and Inn in Half Moon Bay has taken a more creative approach. Owner Cameron Palmer imported a 1966 red double-decker bus from Bristol, England, parked it in his beer garden, and turned it into a smoking area. The bus has been souped up with carpets, tables, and even a TV and stereo. The British-style pub also rates a visit for its collection of more than 2,000 beer cans, selection of beers (19 on draft, 60 bottled), and assortment of pub food. 1410 S. Cabrillo Hwy. (a.k.a. Highway 1), Half Moon Bay. (650) 726-5705.
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Best Next-Generation Dance Venue
What's the best thing about Bahia Cabana's Wednesday-night dance club Manred? Tough to say. Musically, the joint is all over the map. Resident DJs Goldilox, Jimmy, and the Waking Dream crew set the standard for eclecticism, and numerous guests supply the rest. You got yer house-techno-tribal thang, plus breakbeats and drum 'n' bass, not to mention reggae, ska, rocksteady, and the like. Bahia Cabana is already a very lovely place to shake it, with the sultry Brazilian theme and all, and it's a split-level venue, uptempo and downtempo, upstairs and downstairs. And errant students from the San Francisco School of Circus Arts have been known to show up with acrobatics and juggling acts for your delight and amusement. See ya there. Wednesdays, Bahia Cabana, 1600 Market, S.F. (415) 339-7805
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Best Trashy Open Mic
Ah, the Stork Club, where Christmas lights are hung around the Lowenbrau and Miller mirrors all year round, where a looming, decorated Christmas tree forever backs the stage. Enter the Stork on an otherwise quiet Sunday night, and you'll encounter the world of Girl George. In her mid-40s, with a thick, curly mane of bleached blond hair straight out of She-Devils on Wheels, Girl George hosts one helluva wacky open mic. Between acts the host takes to the stage, wielding an electric guitar, wearing skin-tight black pants, and howling into the mike "like a hussy, like cheap tramp, like a whore like a whore like a whore" -- one of the many tunes Girl George sings with a completely depraved, totally irresistible flair. In fact, most of Girl George's very trashy repertoire consists of originals, with the exception of an occasional totally rockin' Stones tune. Expect to see a very unusual crowd: everything from platform-boot-wearing young women and/or men to old-school bar hounds. Don't be surprised to see many of them jump onstage when the host straps on her guitar: the Stork is a warm, friendly place, and there's no higher privilege on open-mic Sunday than to sing backup for one groovy Girl George. Sundays, Stork Club, 380 12th St., Oakl. (510) 444-6174.
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The Best Unclassifiable Local Music Group
Even the three 30ish guys who constitute the group Bo Grumpus can't say exactly what the name means, but there's no mistaking their distinctive musical sound. Craig Ventresco on guitar and vocals, Pete Devine on washboard and an amazing array of noisemakers, and Marty Eggers on slap bass (the kind that stands up and has no electrical plug) play American popular music from the turn of the century. Their latest CD, The Graveyard Blues, is all material taken from cylinder and early disc records, including "The Ben Hur Chariot Race March." If you don't just bump into them playing on the streets of the city, call (510) 655-6728 for information about upcoming appearances or e-mail marty-eggers@juno.com
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Best Museum of 19th-Century Pharmacy Equipment
The Livermore Art Association Gallery, housed in the historic Carnegie Building, features a treasure trove of obscure pharmaceuticals. It's a fascinating display, even if drugstore history has never been one of your keener interests. Relics date from as early as 1870 and include bottles of Dragon's Blood and boxes of Miracle Hair Growth Tablets; they're accompanied by a photographic history of downtown development from the horse-and-buggy era to the present day. While you're there check out the works on display by Livermore Art Association artists, including Edna Tunison's "paintings" made entirely out of zippers, and Wilma Myers's popular Kitty Balls. Summer hours: Wed.-Sun., 10:30 a.m.-3 p.m. 2155 Third St., Livermore. (925) 449-9927.
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Best Radio Show for Inducing Mental Time-Travel
For 15 years now Dave Morey of KFOG-FM has been assembling "10 great songs from one great year" into an imaginative daily program called 'Ten at 10.' Unlike the golden-oldies stations that toss several decades' worth of songs together into one big, meaningless stew, Morey puts the musical past into context by combining a single year's songs with contemporaneous commercials, sound bites, and newscasts. It's powerful and effective, and if you've lived through the year being featured, it's absolutely transporting. Pay attention to his sly segues; once, he followed a 1963 news clip about the Kennedy assassination with the Drifters' "Up on the Roof." Mon.-Fri., 10 a.m., KFOG-FM, 104.5 and 97.7. Each day's playlist is posted at www.kfog.com/program/10a10.html.
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Best Place to Open a Club Where Rock and Roll Bands Can Play
Things just aren't the same around San Francisco since joints like the Nightbreak, Brave New World, and the I-Beam (among others) have shut down and disappeared; bars like the Kilowatt have shut out live music; and the Chameleon's door has been, well, just shut as of late. In a city crowded with rock bands and all kinds of eclectic talent waiting for a stage, there's a tight squeeze on venues, especially medium-size ones. Thanks to such places as the Tip Top Inn, Cocodrie, and Boomerang, some of the slack has been taken up, but it's still not enough. Budding entrepreneurs and impresarios, we need you.
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Best Museum Devoted to Candy
The three-year-old Burlingame Museum of Pez Memorabilia in Burlingame is both a store that sells an array of Pez candy dispensers and a museum for collectors and enthusiasts. The store offers Pez of every theme -- Muppets, Disney, Star Wars, superheros, Peanuts. Museum of Pez owners Gary and Nancy Doss even import dispensers from Europe, where Pez was invented in the late '40s by an Austrian who wanted to keep people from smoking. Visitors can drool over such rare and old Pez dispensers as Ugly Pez, which is truly ugly, and Luv Pez, which came out in 1968 and is the shape of a large psychedelic green eye resting on an open hand. The museum, which grew out of the Doss's computer repair and retail shop, also has old Pez advertisements and Pez dispensers autographed by the likes of Jim Davis, the creator of Garfield; Lynda Carter, TV's Wonder Woman; and Anthony Daniels, Star Wars' C-3PO. 214 California Drive, Burlingame. (650) 347-2301.
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Best Airport Bar
Whatever you're doing at the airport, bidding a teary farewell, waiting for an old friend, or downing a few to soothe your preflight nerves, Personalities Bar and Grill in SFO's South Terminal is the best place to do it. It's a big, comfortable bar, by airport standards, with lots of space for all the luggage you can schlepp. Its deep green carpet, wood trim, and leather chairs create a calm, civilized atmosphere amid airport mayhem. There's a big-screen TV with sports on but plenty of room for uninterrupted chatting and daydreaming. The snack menu ranges from potstickers to chili cheese fries, and you can order a mango margarita to wash it all down. Personalities, named for the personalities of San Francisco, also has the most interesting walls in the airport. They're covered with old photos of such San Francisco figures as George Moscone and Imogene Cunningham and giant caricatures of others, including Jack Kerouac and Carol Channing. Interesting enough stuff to take your mind off going 30,000 feet up. San Francisco International Airport, South Terminal, South S.F. (650) 877-6606.
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Best Already-Discovered Bar that You Wish No One Had Found
In a bad mood? Vaguely (or very) drunk and/or stoned? Humanity just looking bad? Ready to lose it with the queer world? The moment you walk in the door of the Hole in the Wall Saloon, the disco stops. The whole hue of the world changes from a neon rainbow to a more pleasant black. The P.A. rings with everything from Neil Young to Guided By Voices, Television to Social Distortion. Since its opening (when exactly we can't remember -- it's all a bit of a haze), the beloved Hole in the Wall has become a more and more popular spot for everybody queer (and sometimes not). Now the Castro Clones you came to escape from are here and as prominent as the fellow freaks you originally sought out. And as much as you may want to, you can't in good conscience say, "stay out," because that's just not what it's about. But that there are still places like the Hole in the Wall, where the less-defined ranks of male queerdom can hang out in comfort, is no small feat. It's a pleasure to have a place to go that doesn't involve updated disco, rave "culture," Calvin, Tommy, Skyy, and the rest of things queer as defined by Out, even if you can't help but wish it weren't as cool as it sometimes is. 289 Eighth St., S.F. (415) 431-4695.
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Best Public Puppeteers
With its community-built and -operated megapuppets, Wise Fool Puppet Intervention blends street theater and political action to invoke the wise fools in all of us. Since its first appearance at a Hiroshima Day demonstration at Livermore Labs in 1989, Wise Fool's artistic and political foolery has become an infective institution throughout the Bay Area. You'll find them at parades, rallies, and demonstrations. The troupe also offers workshops in community centers, schools, and parks. Its yearly extravaganza coproduced with the 509 Cultural Center and Clown Conspiracy, the San Francisco Street Theater Festival is two days of free, participatory theater in the streets of the Tenderloin. Dedicated to providing theatrical opportunity to all, cofounders K. Ruby and Amy Christian have traveled throughout the United States and to Chiapas, Mexico, East Berlin, and the Czech Republic. 1075 Treat, S.F. (415) 905-5958.
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Best Egocentric Movie Experience
The Geneva Drive-In has seen better days. The weedy parking lots are starting to crack, the snack room is near-deserted, and the dilapidated, arched entryway speaks of another time. But where else can you watch a movie on a giant screen in the privacy of your own little pod, bring snacks from home, talk out loud, make out without fear of retribution, adjust the movie's sound to your exact specifications, and watch feral cats roam the grounds during intermission? And since the box office stays open until as late as 12:30 a.m. on weekends, there's no better semipublic place to go when you're still awake, you don't want the cops to harass you, and you need just another hour or two to convince that special someone of your considerable charms. If you've got or can borrow a car with an antenna, you're set. Geneva at Carter, Daly City. (415) 587-2884.
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Best Band with a Conscience
"I've got a heart," Rebecca Riots vocalist Eve Decker cries, "that's been doing some healing." They may not be God -- though they have a considerable following among local, Northwest, and college audiences -- but this Berkeley-based band heals minds with its political and social commentary. Decker and fellow vocalists Andrea Prichett and Lisa Zeiler have fused their talents to create a unique brand of folk music. The causes they support are evident in their lyrics: an end to homelessness, police accountability, and feminism, among others. The trio -- who are all teachers by day -- encourage their audiences to take an active role in their communities and lives. After all, "This is all there is," Decker concludes. "We're not rehearsing for anything." For more information call (510) 845-5432, write P.O. Box 3536, Berkeley, CA 94703, or visit their Web site at www.rebeccariots.com.
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Best Movie Deal
You might not want to wear your best clothes, and certainly don't bring any large bags you'll have to set down on the sticky floor. And comfortable seats? Well ... pricewise, though, you can't beat Tanforan Park Cinema's $1.75 Tuesday night double-feature special ($3.50 any other night). The Tanforan offers up seven or so of the latest second runs on its gritty screens, and while films about parrots sometimes seem to get stuck, playing week after week, there's always a few other films worth getting on the freeway for. Oh, and did we mention free refills? 301 El Camino Real, Tanforan Park Shopping Center, San Bruno. (650) 588-0291.
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Best Public-Access TV Show Involving Vikings
The numbers on the high end of the television-channel spectrum deliver something wacky and wonderful. It's public access, baby, and it's local. But even if you're an aficionado of the weirdness that is public access, you have to be truly strong-hearted to admire the simple genius of Bevornia. If Vikings, punk rock, soft-core porn, and television production wizardry are your bag, this little slice of Valhalla will entertain and bemuse. Your host, Erik the Viking, sits and awaits your live call and will discuss whatever's on your mind. Pencil in a date with the idiot box the first and third Wednesday of every month, 9:30 p.m., public-access Channel 53. Bevornia Hotline: (415) 331-1500, ext. 686
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Best Place to See the Next Robert Rauschenberg
With a philosophy somewhere between the edgy hipness of 111 Minna Street and the hallowed halls of SFMOMA, the Stephen Wirtz Gallery consistently surpasses the dozens of art galleries in its vicinity with shows of the most original and striking artwork around. Connie and Stephen Wirtz opened the gallery in the mid-1970s and since then have helped launch the careers of artists such as photographer Michael Kenna and painter Deborah Oropallo. The Wirtz gallery has managed to avoid clichés and empty trends, focusing instead on well-crafted, thought-provoking work, especially from Bay Area artists. A show of the visual duels between collaborative artists Drew Beattie and Daniel Davidson predated a style that would later be pervasive at "Young Artist" and new acquisition shows at both Yerba Buena Center for the Arts and SFMOMA. Now the smooth-as-ice beeswax paintings of Jennifer Starkweather and Todd Hido's hushed nighttime photo portraits of suburban houses give viewers a taste of what's to come. 49 Geary, Third Floor, S.F. (415) 433-6879.
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Best Resurrected Bar
The refugees have reunited. The Dovre Club lives -- resurrected at 26th Street and Valencia. We all thought this landmark pub -- once the watering hole of literary luminaries and political lowlifes alike -- had gone to sleep with the fishes. It had been the last bar in the Mission not yet killed off by the influx of tourists and the hipoisie. On any given night one might find housepainters drinking Miller tall necks at one table, eviction-defense activists plotting over pints at another, and wild raconteurs holding forth at the bar. The new spot has all the trappings of the old Dovre: the toast to England's final departure from Ireland, the marlin, and pictures of the late Paddy Nolan with Don King and other freaks. The crowd still has many of the old heads, supplemented with a healthy smattering of habitués from the Schooner Tavern, which used to occupy the spot. 1498 Valencia, S.F. (415) 285-4169.
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Best Music Marathon
Organized by local promoter Kathy Harr and Aquarius Records honcho Windy Chien, last April's Terrastock was a mind-boggling, exhausting, and utterly joyful three-day orgy of reverb, fuzz, rock, prog/psych, space-folk, and way-far-out musical experimentation. Most of the artists involved were affected by the psychedelic reverberations emanating out of the Bay Area 30 years back, though the aesthetic was more Blue Cheer than "It's a Beautiful Day." Terrastock was international in scope, but conceptually it was pure San Francisco, birthplace of the Trips Festival. In that spirit, all Terrastock performers donated their time, and proceeds paid for facilities alone. Since it's never too late to save your soul, check the online version of Terrastock's namesake music zine Ptolemaic Terrascope (www.terrascope.org) and drop by Aquarius Records (1055 Valencia, S.F., 415-647-2272) to see a photo exhibition of the festival, on display through September.
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Best Warped Way to See Some T&A
Between live bands a DJ blasts rock and roll tunes, large and lovely go-go dancers let it all hang out, and there's a backroom peep show that you can indulge in for just one dead president. Stinky's Peep Show, every Thursday at the Covered Wagon, has in the past included peeps like Boobzilla vs. Muffzilla; a perverted skit involving Woody Allen, Soon-yi, and Mia Farrow impersonators; and contortionist Suzy Ming's topless twister game. Nakedness and perversion have never been so ... fun. We hear there's even the possibility of a Tommy and Pamela Lee reenactment of some sort in the future. Of course you can also get in on the action yourself, as audience participation is drunkenly encouraged and rowdiness prevails. Hands down, there's no better bang for your buck. Thursday nights, 10 p.m., Covered Wagon, 917 Folsom, S.F. (415) 974-1585.
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Best Elevated Street-Scene View
San Francisco has no shortage of bars offering a street-level view, and many swank penthouse-located watering holes proudly boast of the stunning panoramas visible from their windows. But for those of us who crave a broader perspective and prefer to watch people larger than ants, nothing beats the upstairs lounge at the Hyde Out. The windows offer a commanding view of the lively intersection of California and Hyde Streets. There, as you sip your cocktail (or one of the 27 beers on tap), you're treated to a bird's-eye view of never-ending street-theater performance. Cable cars rumble by, transvestites and taxi drivers rush into Cala Foods, and the uniquely San Francisco neighborhood nightlife scurries to and fro. It'll be time for another pint before you know it. 1068 Hyde, S.F. (415) 441-1914.
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Best Punk Rock Refuge
With the Chameleon in perpetual limbo thanks to tricky finances and wonderful underground spots like Star Cleaners crushed by an oppressive police state, the Mission District's fragile flower of a rock-and-roll renaissance may wilt before it has the chance to bloat up and burn out. Or maybe not. Wayyyy up Mission Street you'll find one of the city's last bastions of cheap, loud rock music. The Tip Top Inn sits comfortably on the li'l rise at 26th Street, too far from trendy 16th and Valencia for your average tourist. So why go? Pool. Cool jukebox. A beat-up piano. Imported malt liquors. Short skirts. Muscle shirts. Tattoos. Oh yeah, and a stage that features all your local faves, like Old Grandad and the Barfeeders, as well as road-weary out-of-town punk rockers. 3001 Mission, S.F. (415) 824-6486.
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Best Charlie Chaplin Look-Alike
Bob Martin is Charlie. Just ask anyone around Union Square. The host for Lori's Diner is all over the place. If he isn't posing for photos with tourists from Japan or Finland or India, he's blowing up balloons for children or giving paper flowers to the ladies. Bob has been playing Charlie since the early '80s, and his credits include movies, parades, and parties. Martin has always loved and honored Charlie and when he lived in Hollywood used to regularly keep Chaplin's star on the Walk of Fame shined. Booking information: (925) 798-8535. E-mail:tiffany@ccnet.net
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Best Dive Bar in the East Bay
Here are the amenities at the East Bay's most underrated bar, the Hotsy Totsy: 50-cent pool (busted cues aside), $6.00 pitchers of Budweiser, stiff well drinks for $2.50, free shuffleboard and licorice, a jukebox with barely any top-40 hits, and Ronnie and Buddy, just about the most hospitable bartenders this side of the bay. The bar is small and dimly lit and usually not so crowded, which adds to its homey divelike atmosphere. And on top of all that, it opens at 6 a.m. Note: Beer connoisseurs beware -- don't expect a wide selection of microbrews; a can of Heineken is about as fancy as this place gets. 601 San Pablo, Albany. (510) 524-1661.
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Best Theater in which to See a Star Perform
The Paramount Theater in downtown Oakland is world renowned for its splendid art deco architecture. Each of the 2,995 seats offers a great, clear view. Although the theater is big, its sense of intimacy will definitely leave you feeling that you've seen a star perform up close. Built in 1931, the Paramount in the last year has hosted such big-name entertainers as Lyle Lovett, Patti LaBelle, Bonnie Raitt, and k.d. lang. Ticket prices for most shows range between $27 and $50, but you can catch a movie there for a modest $5. 2025 Broadway, Oakl. (510) 465-6400.
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Best Pitcher of Margaritas
Forget Miller time. When you get off work, you need margaritas in the Mission to slake your thirst and tease your pleasure center. A pitcher might even help you fall into the arms of the person you're with -- so be as particular about the drink and the establishment behind it as you'd be about your drinking/swooning partner. For sensual pleasure and sheer volume, the pitchers at Puerto Alegre are tops. Strawberry or lime, blended with crushed ice or on the rocks, with or without salt on your glass -- when ordering, you get the attention that respects your choice as much as the drink respects your palate. At $10.50 a pitcher (basic lime variety), you'll have some extra money left to invest in the superior guac for your chips. 546 Valencia, S.F. (415) 255-8201.
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Best Place to Be Paranoid
C. Bobby's Owl Tree has so much to recommend it: a jukebox filled with Journey and Tom Jones favorites, red velvet-flocked art nouveau wallpaper left over from its bordello past, comfy tables with cushy seats, and a bottomless bowl of spicy Chex mix. But the Owl Tree's greatest draw takes a while to dawn on you. Visitors who stumble into the little bar on Post Street at Taylor are at first amused by the kitschy preponderance of owl memorabilia: stuffed, painted, macramé, and metallic owls peering out from every nook and cranny of the darkish, faded space. After a few drinks, you look out from the fuzziness of a booze buzz to find thousands of pitiless, fixed owlish eyes glaring at you, following you as you head to the bar, haunting you as you flee into the night. The next time the Red Room is predictably overflowing, walk a couple of blocks and give the Owl Tree a try, secure in the comfort that you are indeed being watched. 601 Post, S.F. (415) 776-9344.
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Best Place to Sneak a Smoke
Far from the touristy shops, camera-happy out-of-towners, and street kids spare-changing on every corner of the Upper Haight, the Lower Haight is still a bastion of surly, punky urban attitude. Each of the several watering holes has its high points, but Noc Noc is the freakiest of them all, filled every night with black-clad patrons lounging on comfy couches and cushions in dark little nooks under flickering television sets, tribal-painted decor, and a metallic ceiling. There's no pinball, no bands, no television set tuned to the latest World Cup game. There are also no spirits; it's strictly beer and wine. But for smokers, Noc Noc has one indispensable thing going for it: darkened tables located out of the sight lines of bartenders -- the perfect conditions for a clandestine smoke. Noc Noc isn't bold enough to actually put out ashtrays, but you're not likely to be asked to put out your butts, either. 557 Haight, S.F. (415) 861-5811.
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Best Traditional Jazz Player under 30
Robert Stewart, 28, is a visionary saxophonist-flutist-composer whose sound is heavily influenced by Ben Webster, Lester Young, Coleman Hawkins, and John Coltrane. His Qwest solo release The Force brilliantly explores Stewart's Islamic faith and other spiritual themes. (The dramatic interplay between Stewart and pianist Ed Kelly will haunt you.) Stewart's ebullient tenor can also be heard with the Lincoln Center Jazz Orchestra on Wynton Marsalis's Pulitzer Prize-winning recording Blood on the Fields. The Oakland-based musician has ongoing gigs at Bruno's, Pier 23 Cafe, Top of the Mark, and Rasselas in San Francisco. Booking information: (415) 661-7021.
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Best Summertime Dixieland Music Festival in the Bay Area
If you're looking for Dixieland this summer, you'll have to travel. But not as far as New Orleans. On the weekend of Aug. 21, Rohnert Park will be hosting an extravaganza of traditional jazz and ragtime: the 19th annual Sonoma County DixieJazz Festival. Some of the Bay Area's best Dixieland musicians -- former Turk Murphy regulars Bob Helm and Bob Schultz, bandleader Clint Baker -- as well as such fabulous imports as the St. Louis Ragtimers will perform in the festival's indoor and outdoor venues. Wanna dance but don't know how to do anything to this music but tap your toes? Your basic ballroom two-step and a sense of adventure will take you through this festival with style. Aug. 21-23, Doubletree Hotel, Rohnert Park. $60 for an all-events badge at the door, one-day passes available. (707) 539-3494.
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TOP PHOTO: LORI EANES
OTHER PHOTOS: BRIAN ARCHER

entertainment
+nightlife:
readers’ poll

[editors’ picks]

Best seats in the house

Best Place to Hang out with Rock Stars After Getting Bailed Out

Best Place to Swing in the Sun

Best Place to Listen to Reggae and Shoot Pool

Best New Public Art

Best Oasis of Swing

Best Neon Bar Sign
Best Legal Pint-and-a-Smoke

Best Next-Generation Dance

Best Trashy
Open Mic

Best Unclassifiable Local Music Group

Best Museum of 19th-Century
Pharmacy Equipment

Best Radio Show for Inducing Mental Time Travel

Best Place to Open a Club Where Rock and Roll Bands Can Play

Best Museum Devoted to Candy

Best Airport Bar

Best Already-Discovered Bar That You Wish No One Had Found

Best Public Puppeteers

Best Egocentric Movie Experience

Best Band with a Conscience

Best Movie Deal

Best Public Access Show Involving Vikings

Best Place to See the Next Robert Rauschenberg

Best Resurrected Bar

Best Music Marathon

Best Warped Way to See Some T&A

Best Elevated Street-Scene View

Best Punk Rock Refuge

Best Charlie Chaplin Look-alike

Best Dive Bar in the East Bay

Best Theater in Which to See a Star Perform

Best Pitcher of Margaritas

Best Place to be Paranoid

Best Place to Sneak a Smoke

Best Traditional Jazz Player Under 30

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