BY BETH ALLEN

This interview with the stoner rock dudes of FU MANCHU was done in ’99, so maybe they have a van or two or hell, four, under their belts by now?! Let’s hope so! At least the guys have the damn good taste to put them on their album covers.

SCOTT singer/guitarist
the ’70s dude

So do you have a van?
No, I don’t have a van. Wish I did.
Tell me about your ultimate wetdream van.
’74 Chevy van. Totally custom! Waterbed, stereo system, tuck and roll. I would make it California beach themed. You are gonna dig the artwork to our new record “King of the Road”, totally van artwork. There is even a song called “Boogie Van ”.


BRAD bass
the sci-fi guy

So if you could have any van in the whole fucking world, what would it be, and what would it look like?
It’s got a Flat face, I think it’s a Ford. You know those things? They’re fucking rad.
The old Fords, I know what you mean.
You ever see “Supervan?”
Oh Yeah!
I want the Supervan! I want computer noises. I wanna shoot fucking lasers.
What color would it be? Inside and outside?
Maroon. Maroon interior.
Shag, fur or pleather?
Uh... um... uh... something that cleans easily.
Pleather!
Ok!!
Now for the outside, what would the outside be?
It’d have lightning bolts all over the fucking place.
So does that mean your tailpipes would shoot lightning bolt flames?
They’d shot something that would, like, hurt people who are standing near.
Do you have a vehicle now?
Nuthin’ that I would be –
You don’t have a van?!? You’re a van lovin’ band, so I’m curious!
In our dreams!


BOB lead guitar
the cradle robber

Do you own a van?
No. We don’t make money. We don’t make a lot of money. So I can’t really afford...
So you’re a poseur van band?
If I had money I’d get one.
Well, that’s what my question is to you. If you could have any van you wanted, what would it be? Anything you wanted, inside and out.
I could tell you what I’d have airbrushed on the side. No matter what kind of van. Cause I’m really a big fan of Barely Legal, the magazine. Barely Legal, Just 18, ahhh....
So you’d have a meatwagon just waiting to pick up chicks?!
On the side, it’d be like a naked 18-year-old blonde chick, laying down, tittie out, a little bit of muff (he demonstrates) like that.
What color would it be?
Black.
Ford, Dodge or Chevy?
It’d be... a Ford. My cars, I’ve bought Chevy before and it fucked me over man!
What about the inside?
It would have...
Waterbed and mirrors?
It would have carpet, all right. Speakers... two on each side of the wall. A bed. A chandelier.
A chandelier??? My god!! That’s terrible!
Yeah. A chandelier. And a pump for a keg on the side.
Woooooh!
Airbrushed on the side, a chick with like, gnarly clouds over her!
You think THAT’S gonna be a bitch magnet? I think it might scare girls away!
Bob: It’d be the stabbin’ cabin! You know what I’m sayin’?!


BRANT drums
the lowrider

Do you have a van right now?
Do I have a van? No, I have a motorcycle.
But you’re a van-lovin’ band?!
I’m a lowrider, man! I like lowridin’.
What kind of car do you have?
I have a ’65 Impala.
But if you could have a van, what would be your dream van?
I’ve never thought about it.
Come on, you’ve never thought about it??
Dude, I’d have a fuckin’ lowrider, not a van.
Well, I’ve always thought of Fu Manchu as a van lovin’ band what with all the van artwork you guys use and all.
I’d have a lowrider van. A Chevy.
What color would it be?
I’d have purple metal flake. With a diamond window and hydraulics.
What about the inside?
I’d have a black interior.
Shag, pleather or fun fur?
Shag!!